I am a masochist. what it means to me as a masochist i enjoy the pain that is inflicted, i believe that all forms of infliction whether it be earned, forced, requested, or just for the hell of it or anything i might have missed are all meant to happen even if i disagree with it. Pain is a major part of my life and it will always be as such.
I am a switch. what it means to be a switch to me is that i am not quite a submissive and i am not quite dominant. I have my moments where i am dominant and i have my moments as submissive. all my life i have lived that way and i believe that there is nothing that i could have done differently. when i am in sub mode i turn into a kitsune in mindset. It is just how i view myself there is nothing that would different given the mannerisms.
I am Loyal to my protectors. they are the ones who keep me safe through my choices and i respect their decisions since they know me the best given my past history (will explain during another blog entry).
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
blood's flowing tonite
blood flows
its the life force of all things
earth, animal, bird, man
blood for making, blood for breaking
without
one would be broken
one would be dying
one would be unliving
blood forms ties
blood binds
it guides
it is the driving force of magicks
earth, air, fire, water
blood is all
and all is blood.
its the life force of all things
earth, animal, bird, man
blood for making, blood for breaking
without
one would be broken
one would be dying
one would be unliving
blood forms ties
blood binds
it guides
it is the driving force of magicks
earth, air, fire, water
blood is all
and all is blood.
Friday, June 5, 2009
unhappily single
through the eyes of Yrael Goldeneyes
Everything is going wrong... people i am interested in are never interested in me. been wondering if i should even bother trying considering my past attempt at a decent long term relationship caused so much stress in my life i should be dead long ago.
WHAT THE FUCK
i know it sounds like i am complaining but i have tried every method (including not trying). i dont knnow why i get interested in people who will have no interest in me. i have been shot down too many times i am seriously considering not getting up the next time i get shot down. what is the use in trying when i know i will be shot down for being interested.
perhaps it is my approach perhaps it is something entirely different. how the fuck should i know.
Everything is going wrong... people i am interested in are never interested in me. been wondering if i should even bother trying considering my past attempt at a decent long term relationship caused so much stress in my life i should be dead long ago.
WHAT THE FUCK
i know it sounds like i am complaining but i have tried every method (including not trying). i dont knnow why i get interested in people who will have no interest in me. i have been shot down too many times i am seriously considering not getting up the next time i get shot down. what is the use in trying when i know i will be shot down for being interested.
perhaps it is my approach perhaps it is something entirely different. how the fuck should i know.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
pagan outlook on life
I want everyone to know that i am not christian bashing at this point in time granted i have in the past and I dont want to get into that during this.
1. Plain and simple i am a Pagan.
1a. how i became a pagan... A friend of mine Cyndee, first really brought the idea about paganism and such one day when we were discussing energy work. after that i was really interested and was always wanting to learn anything and everything i could get my hands on... literally. I had been going through a pretty rough break up, i had felt abandoned and i never really could stand the hypocrisy that i had been getting into in christianity. i decided i should look at other pathways and began looking at paganism. so i was talking to a friend of mine on my way back from an event down in denver in early september. we got started on a discussion about differences in paganism and other beliefs. i then learned a friend of mine for several years also had turned to paganism and we started discussing things.I found Northern Colorado Covenant of the River and went to their Mabon ritual and was totally welcomed in and i have found a home there. through meeting people and study i have been able to make out what i think to be the beginning of a good path for me.
Now on to the beliefs.
1. destiny/fate/whatever you want to call it.Anything and everything that has ever happened and will happen has already been woven into a pattern however anything you may do will affect the total weaving, because i know it sounds cliche but everything that happens will happen for a reason. most of the time it will be because of something the Gods feel that we need to do, see, feel or whatever. and sometimes we must be told " Pay attention stupid." because if we dont we may miss something we must see in ourselves or in the world around us. in my opinion the Gods, the fates, and other beings all have some affect in our lives even if we dont notice yet. i guess what i am focusing back to is what will happen will and nothing we can do to change it will be possible. if it is meant to be altered it will be.Karma is there, whatever we put out there will be returned back 3 fold. bad karma can stay through lives till we fix it. karma and fate are opposites they balance each other out. karma can affect how your life is affected by destiny or fate or whatever you wish to call it.
2. Death and rebirth
When we die we are reborn in the other realm when we die there we are reborn here. our physical bodies go into the earth we are decomposed and turn into soil, its a circle. we die, we are buried, we go back to the earth and are consumed by the earth and put back out into the world. so technically we are ourselves from the past to the present and to the future, we have bits of our old selves in our new bodies and will continue till the earth has passed on. the earth gives back to us by nourishing us with the growth of plants and animals. it all comes back to a circle we are born, we live our lives affecting the world, we die, we go back to earth and the process starts again.
3. Magic
there are atleast two types of magic, Active and Passive. Active is doing something with it. Passive is interactions, things you do in your day to day life. Active can be come passive and passive can become active. Magick is a form of manipulated energy that is used for a specific purpose. but not to be confused with raw energy which can be manipulated into magical energy if one is so inclined.
4. Interactions with otherworlds
During Samhain and Yule the veil is the weakest and that is the time when things can come and go between worlds. I have a guide/guardian that will actually physically manifest itself if the need will arise. every time it does it is scarier than fuck.
5. My spirit guides and friendly beings
I have atleast 2 spirit guides. Black is the one that will physically manifest itself when either i am doing something stupid or whatever. Black stands about 6-6.5 feet tall, a black shape with 2 red eyes and was my first guide/guardian since i was in middleschool. if you are interested in the story of how i met black please ask me i will tell it and it is quite interesting. my other is a greyish brown mottled dragon who came to me in the last few months. still trying to figure out his name.My other beings i have in the house are 2 fairies, 1 wood sprite, 1 undine and a unknown beastie named bob. the fairies dont come out much. the wood sprite followed me home from beltane, her name is trelaine she is a stubborn little sprite. the undine currently inhabits my alabaster statue i am working on. bob is a skull that has a thistle growing out of his head.
6. Divination practices
i work with the Tarot and Runes specifically. i find that the tarot give a much bigger picture reading. I have begun my study with the Shapeshifter deck by DJ Conway, put out there by Llwellen press. this deck is amazing, it gives a great over view. the cards are clear and easy to read. my tarot instructor (who shall remain nameless out of respect) has been guiding me in the basics of reading a spread.
7. energy work
i am a beginner however i am getting really good at sensing and manipulating energies. energy is a pretty fun and very amusing experience. recently i had an interesting encounter with energies. i had just finished my staff will upload pictures at some point.
8. My influences
I was greatly influenced by the wheel of time series by robert jordan. his writing created the basis for the pattern that is created by our actions and such through everything.
1. Plain and simple i am a Pagan.
1a. how i became a pagan... A friend of mine Cyndee, first really brought the idea about paganism and such one day when we were discussing energy work. after that i was really interested and was always wanting to learn anything and everything i could get my hands on... literally. I had been going through a pretty rough break up, i had felt abandoned and i never really could stand the hypocrisy that i had been getting into in christianity. i decided i should look at other pathways and began looking at paganism. so i was talking to a friend of mine on my way back from an event down in denver in early september. we got started on a discussion about differences in paganism and other beliefs. i then learned a friend of mine for several years also had turned to paganism and we started discussing things.I found Northern Colorado Covenant of the River and went to their Mabon ritual and was totally welcomed in and i have found a home there. through meeting people and study i have been able to make out what i think to be the beginning of a good path for me.
Now on to the beliefs.
1. destiny/fate/whatever you want to call it.Anything and everything that has ever happened and will happen has already been woven into a pattern however anything you may do will affect the total weaving, because i know it sounds cliche but everything that happens will happen for a reason. most of the time it will be because of something the Gods feel that we need to do, see, feel or whatever. and sometimes we must be told " Pay attention stupid." because if we dont we may miss something we must see in ourselves or in the world around us. in my opinion the Gods, the fates, and other beings all have some affect in our lives even if we dont notice yet. i guess what i am focusing back to is what will happen will and nothing we can do to change it will be possible. if it is meant to be altered it will be.Karma is there, whatever we put out there will be returned back 3 fold. bad karma can stay through lives till we fix it. karma and fate are opposites they balance each other out. karma can affect how your life is affected by destiny or fate or whatever you wish to call it.
2. Death and rebirth
When we die we are reborn in the other realm when we die there we are reborn here. our physical bodies go into the earth we are decomposed and turn into soil, its a circle. we die, we are buried, we go back to the earth and are consumed by the earth and put back out into the world. so technically we are ourselves from the past to the present and to the future, we have bits of our old selves in our new bodies and will continue till the earth has passed on. the earth gives back to us by nourishing us with the growth of plants and animals. it all comes back to a circle we are born, we live our lives affecting the world, we die, we go back to earth and the process starts again.
3. Magic
there are atleast two types of magic, Active and Passive. Active is doing something with it. Passive is interactions, things you do in your day to day life. Active can be come passive and passive can become active. Magick is a form of manipulated energy that is used for a specific purpose. but not to be confused with raw energy which can be manipulated into magical energy if one is so inclined.
4. Interactions with otherworlds
During Samhain and Yule the veil is the weakest and that is the time when things can come and go between worlds. I have a guide/guardian that will actually physically manifest itself if the need will arise. every time it does it is scarier than fuck.
5. My spirit guides and friendly beings
I have atleast 2 spirit guides. Black is the one that will physically manifest itself when either i am doing something stupid or whatever. Black stands about 6-6.5 feet tall, a black shape with 2 red eyes and was my first guide/guardian since i was in middleschool. if you are interested in the story of how i met black please ask me i will tell it and it is quite interesting. my other is a greyish brown mottled dragon who came to me in the last few months. still trying to figure out his name.My other beings i have in the house are 2 fairies, 1 wood sprite, 1 undine and a unknown beastie named bob. the fairies dont come out much. the wood sprite followed me home from beltane, her name is trelaine she is a stubborn little sprite. the undine currently inhabits my alabaster statue i am working on. bob is a skull that has a thistle growing out of his head.
6. Divination practices
i work with the Tarot and Runes specifically. i find that the tarot give a much bigger picture reading. I have begun my study with the Shapeshifter deck by DJ Conway, put out there by Llwellen press. this deck is amazing, it gives a great over view. the cards are clear and easy to read. my tarot instructor (who shall remain nameless out of respect) has been guiding me in the basics of reading a spread.
7. energy work
i am a beginner however i am getting really good at sensing and manipulating energies. energy is a pretty fun and very amusing experience. recently i had an interesting encounter with energies. i had just finished my staff will upload pictures at some point.
8. My influences
I was greatly influenced by the wheel of time series by robert jordan. his writing created the basis for the pattern that is created by our actions and such through everything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
